I think the way most of us were raised as young men is one of the reasons we tolerate so much disrespect in relationships.

You find a man in a relationship that is clearly not working, and he is just there, holding on. He does not know when to walk away from a relationship, because nobody ever taught him that leaving is allowed. We were taught to endure. Vumilia. Be a good guy. Be a nice guy.

So men endure for years, and it costs them their peace, their health, their money and sometimes their freedom.

I have made this mistake myself, so let me start there.

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The mistake I made

I got into a relationship almost immediately after campus.

And I will tell you what happens when you are young and somebody is giving you affection. You stop thinking. You tolerate disrespect you would never accept from anybody else, simply because the relationship is physical and it feels good. Your judgement has been carried away and you cannot make a clear decision about anything.

I wish I had known then what I know now. I stayed in situations I should have left, and I only saw the signs clearly once I was out.

So here are the signs, as plainly as I can put them.

One thing before the list. I always say we should not point a finger at women and forget to point one at ourselves. Some of these signs apply to you as much as to her, and I will say so where they do.

1. Disrespect

Start with yourself. Do you respect yourself?

If you do not hold yourself to a standard and you place no value on yourself, do not expect anybody else to do it for you. Respect begins with you.

But when you have done that and you are still being spoken to like a child, that is the sign.

I have watched men being insulted in a supermarket queue, loudly, in front of strangers. Questioned about who is calling. Told off like a schoolboy. And they stand there and take it, then go home with that same person.

When the disrespect is constant and you have raised it and nothing changes, you are allowed to say this is your life, that is mine, and we are done here.

2. Violence

People assume only men are violent. That is not true, and men do not talk about it because they are embarrassed.

Some of you are living with a violent partner. Things get thrown at you. A phone gets smashed on the floor in anger. Something gets picked up as a weapon.

I dated somebody who would get angry and break phones. I stayed. Looking back, the next thing to be damaged was going to be me.

Small acts of violence are not small. They show you an underlying problem that is not yours to fix, and it does not get better because you were patient.

There is a second half to this, and it is the more important one.

If you ever feel the urge to hit a woman, walk away immediately.

Most men have that capacity for violence in them. How you control it is what determines what kind of man you are. If somebody agitates you to the point where you are thinking about using your hands, that is not a relationship to fix. That is a prison sentence waiting for you. Leave before you make a decision in 10 seconds that you pay for over 20 years.

If you are being physically abused, or you are afraid of what you might do, call 1195. It is Kenya’s free national helpline for gender based violence and it takes calls from men as well as women.

3. Threats

I will kill you. I will burn this house. I will break that camera of yours.

When somebody threatens you like that, take it seriously. A person who says it repeatedly is telling you what they are capable of.

A man I know of came home and found the house flooded, water everywhere, and the curtains cut to pieces with scissors. Another woke up to find every window of his car broken, which is around 200,000 shillings of damage. In both cases the threats had been made out loud long before.

Often the threats begin with the person threatening to harm themselves if you leave.

I want to be careful here. If your partner says that, treat it as real. Tell her family, or get her to a professional, because that is a crisis and you are not equipped to carry it alone. But it is not a reason to stay in a relationship that is destroying both of you. Getting her help and leaving can both happen.

4. Repeated cheating

Men are culprits here too, and I say it all the time. Control yourself.

But if your partner is repeatedly cheating on you, and you keep finding the evidence and explaining it away as a company retreat or a work photo, stop lying to yourself.

Once can be a mistake that 2 people work through if both want to. Repeated is a pattern, and a pattern is a decision she has already made about how much regard she has for you.

The risks are practical, not just emotional. Infections come into the house, and that applies equally when you are the one cheating. And there are men who have raised a child for 20 years before a DNA test told them the truth.

5. Debt taken in your name

You go to the shop and you are told somebody took 10,000 shillings of goods on your account. You never saw that shopping in your house.

Or loans are being taken using your name, and you are the one who will be asked to pay.

When you find you are funding a lifestyle through debt you did not agree to and cannot even see, walk away. That is not partnership. That is somebody spending your future without asking.

6. Public humiliation

This one I cannot stand personally.

You are introduced at an event with an insult dressed up as a joke. A disagreement in public turns into shouting and a scene. You cannot have a civil conversation with this person anywhere there is an audience.

Because we were raised to be nice guys, we absorb it. And it goes one of 2 ways. Either the disrespect grows until she leaves anyway, or one day you are humiliated one time too many, you react, and now you are facing a criminal charge.

Leave before either of those.

7. You are happier when she is away

This one is simple and it is the most honest test on the list.

If the only time you feel peace is when she is not there, and her arrival brings tension, suspicion and questions, then you already have your answer.

You should not be living in a home where you have no peace. Pack your things and go.

8. You are already confiding in somebody else

This sign is about you.

If you find yourself seeking comfort from other women, sharing with them what you should be sharing with her, do not keep your partner as a placeholder while you do it.

Tell her honestly that it is not working, and end it. Then do whatever comes next with a clean conscience.

What men do instead is hold on to both, make a mess, and hurt 2 people. Nobody will arrest you for ending a relationship properly. You are preventing a much bigger problem later.

9. Constant family interference

A relationship is meant for 2 people, not a village.

If her brother shows up to confront you over every disagreement, if parents on either side are permanently involved, if you can never resolve anything between the 2 of you because a crowd arrives each time, something is wrong. And I include your own family in that.

Now let me correct something, because I said this badly in the video.

Asking for help is not the sign. Sitting with an older couple you both respect, a counsellor, or a pastor you trust, when you have a problem the 2 of you cannot solve alone, is a sensible thing to do. I have recommended it before and I stand by it.

The sign is when a third party has to referee your relationship permanently. When nothing can be said or settled without somebody else in the room, every single time, for months. At that point the 2 of you are no longer running the relationship.

Fighting every day with nothing changing

If I had to put all 9 into one sentence, it would be this.

When you are fighting every single day, there is no growth, there is always a new issue, and you cannot be productive in any other part of your life, give yourself peace and walk away.

Here is what I notice about men. We are terrified of making the right decision, and perfectly willing to stay in a bad situation for years.

But 6 months alone, away from the problem, could set up a better 10 or 15 years. You may well meet somebody far better suited to you. You will not find that out while you are holding on to something that is finished.

Do not stay because you are afraid nobody else will come along.

Think for yourself

One caution, because I do not want this misused.

This is not a list for abandoning a good relationship the first time it gets hard. Every relationship has difficult seasons, and a man who leaves at the first disagreement will be leaving for the rest of his life. One sign, once, raised and resolved, is not the same as a pattern.

The banner on my YouTube channel says think for yourself. Nothing I share is meant to tell you do this, do that.

You have a brain. Ask yourself one question about the relationship you are in. Is this leading me toward progress, or is it keeping me stuck and bringing problems into my life?

Then make the decision. It is yours.

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— Elvis W.